I Cherish Thee, James Kirk
by Sofia301
Summary: Finding out that you love someone is always difficult. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that you can't show them how you feel... and you are part Vulcan. How will Spock and Kirk cope? Read to find out! Post Into Darkness. Angst. Love. Hurt. Comfort. Sex. Not necessarily in that order... Slow develop. Rated M for sex and language throughout. Reviews are welcomed.
1. Growing Pains

**Helloo there gaiz! :3 **

**This is my very first attempt at a Star Trek fanfic, so try to understand this as you read :) **

**Spock is experiencing some... unusual stirrings he hasn't come across before which escalates beyond his control (which is extremely strong), so he consults McCoy for some advice, but unfortunately the patient confidentiality barrier is somewhat breached by a James T Kirk, the exact source of the problem.**..

***I do not own Star Trek, or any of its characters***

**Thanks for reading! ^^ **

**WARNING: Slight guy-on-guy stuff near the end... the next chapter will have more of the same, so if you're easily offended by this kinda thing, don't read. :)**

"Oi, Spock... OI."

An exasperated sigh.

"_Spock_." The voice seemed to be coming down a long tunnel, echoing into Spock's mind and dissipating.

Captain James Kirk was more than unnerved by his First Officer's seeming refusal to acknowledge him. His brow furrowed in confusion, he leaned in and gently flicked his second in command's ear.

Spock flinched; he had not noticed the Captain standing there. Nor had he noticed the curious glances being shot their way by the rest of the crew; it was most unnerving to say the least.

"Yes, Captain? Is everything alright?"  
"Yeah... I was just asking if you had those reports for me?"

"Reports, Captain?"

A sharp intake of breath from the room. Kirk quirked an eyebrow.

"This is not like you, forgetting about your duties, Commander. Are you okay?"

Spock glanced up. The authoritative gaze Jim bestowed upon him was also laced with concern, and something deeper...

Looking away, and clearing his throat, Spock tried to remember what the Captain had asked of him.

"Ah... yes Captain, I am well; my apologies for worrying you. And my deepest regrets for neglecting my duties. This will be rectified in due course, if I may?"

"Yeah, sure. Just make sure to have them in my hand by the end of alpha shift, alright?"

All too suddenly, there was a hand resting upon his shoulder, friendly in its warmth. But there was something else there; something... forbidden.

"Hey, Spock; may I speak with you a minute? In private?" The Captain's blue orbs were weighted with concern; something Spock had not foreseen about the young captain. He knew he was indeed an excellent leader; he managed to have an outward projection of such age and experience. Always in control, yet with a slight unorthodox air about him. He was pleasing to Spock, and that scared the Vulcan. Forbidden desire was one of the worst taboos amongst his culture.

And yet.

_And yet..._

"Hey, Spock! Anyone home?! Geez..." A rough hand gripped around his bicep and drew him out of the control room, away from the stares and almost conspiratorial whispers of the others.

"Mr Sulu, you have the comms."

"Aye, Captain."

As the door glided closed, Spock found himself trapped between a wall and the Captain. The proximity was almost uncomfortable, but yet again Spock felt a tugging at the back of his mind as the Captain studied him closely.  
He could not deny that the Captain was aesthetically pleasing to him, no matter how much his Vulcan side chided him otherwise. Strong muscular structure, chiseled jawline, and perfectly formed features... He was perfection personified.

Spock mentally shook himself. What was going on?

"...not the first time you've done this Spock, I'm worried about you!" Jim finished emphatically, looking expectantly into the eyes of the other.

As their eyes met; dark brown meeting electric blue, something snapped within him. He could not take this anymore.

"Spock, what's wr-"

Almost without thinking, he shoved Jim to the other side of the corridor, pinning him by the shoulders, his face imperceptibly close. Breathing raggedly, he gently grazed Kirk's mouth with his own, and waited...

"Uhh, Captain... Spock; what's going on here?" Chekhov had appeared in the doorway, his eyes darting from the First Officer to the Captain in confusion. "You are needed on the bridge, Captain..." His cheeks flushed pink; it was obvious that he had interrupted something. "I-I'm sorry Sir, but we need you, right away!"

Spock immediately sprang away, breathing heavily; his cheeks and ears tinted green.

Kirk cleared his throat. "Uhm... ahem, sure. I mean, as you were Mr. Chekhov. I will be there momentarily."

Chekhov nodded, and scurried nervously back onto the bridge.

Kirk turned to Spock and went to speak, however his throat seemed blocked, and after standing there staring at Spock with unreadable eyes, vanished back onto the bridge, leaving Spock alone.

An unfamiliar burning sensation prickled in Spock's eyes, his hands were clammy, and his cheeks felt unusually damp. Barely even contemplating his next move, he turned sharply on his heel and walked in the direction of the sickbay.

**Sooo yeah! ^^  
**

**How will Jim react to this?! Fiiind out next chapter! :D **

**Fairly short I know, but I'm home for the holidays, so hopefully future chapters will be a lot longer as I have no work! *cheers* I may put up another one tonight, it depends whether I get writers block or not :3**

**Please please leave a review; it'd help me a lot, and I hope you enjoyed reading this little sliver of loveliness! :3**

**But for now... **

**Sofia301 out!**


	2. True Colours

**Heey there again guys! :3 **

**Apologies for the accidental posting of chapter two, which was just a repeat of the first! My baad.. :P **

**Thankyou for those who've favourited and followed my story so far; please leave reviews! **

**This chapter also contains some guy on guy action (as a flashback), more extreme than last time, but no sexytimes... yet. :3 *evil laughter*** **It also contains a slight out of character Spock... expect much angst (welll, I tried :P)**

**This will be slow to develop, but it will be worth it, I promise. :)**

**Once again, I DO NOT own Star Trek... as much as I wished I owned Spock. *winks* **

**OKAYY, ON WITH IT.**

**X**

Kirk swayed back onto the bridge in a severe state of confusion and feelings he couldn't quite fathom.

_Spock..._

He swayed violently, the floor coming up to meet him all too soon. Sulu and Uhura grabbed an arm each, and guided him to his captain's chair. Confusion clouded their eyes, along with a trace of worry. Uhura's eyes narrowed, and Kirk gulped, until she placed her cool hand on his feverish forehead.

"Hm, something troubling you, _Captain_? she enquired, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

"Y-no, no, nothing at all. Why would you ask that?" Damnit, that sounded guilty... He cupped his face in his hands momentarily, attempting to pull himself together. A sharp voice hailed him back.

"_Kirk_. Care to explain the lack of First Officer on the bridge, and your sudden demeanour?" Uhura's voice was sharp, stinging him with judgement.

"I have no idea why our First Officer is not on the bridge, Uhura. You should also remember that I am the Captain of this ship, and to beware of the tone you are using. Now, we have little time of Alpha Shift left; would you mind returning to your station, and allowing me to carry out my duties?"

Her eyes narrowed even further into irritated little slits, and her voice was shaking with barely contained anger. "Of course Captain, but if I find out you've hurt him in any way, I will make it my mission to cause you equal pain." She turned on her heel and stalked away.

Kirk ground his teeth in frustration. He had forgotten that she and Spock were once together, and he couldn't help but feel guilty.

But, at the same time...

He felt it, too.

Spock was seeming to have trouble finding his feet. Slumping sideways, he gripped at the wall of the tunnel in an attempt to centre himself; he could not see the doctor in this emotional state.

Clenching his hands to prevent them from shaking, and taking a few calming breaths, he felt in a fit state to carry on. That was, until he spotted the person with whom he so desperately needed to speak, and started along the corridor.

He caught up with McCoy and gripped his bicep with possibly more force than he had meant.

"Doctor."

"Good God, Spock! You scared the shit outta me! And why, might I ask, are you giving me that God-damned death grip? I'm losing feeling in my hand, and for a doctor, that's not a good thing!"

"I apologise, Doctor McCoy," Spock said, trying to keep his voice level, "but I need to speak with you rather urgently about something. I am not feeling myself."

Now that Bones had had enough time to give Spock the once over, he was worried. There was an uncertain pallor to his skin, his heart rate and breathing were haywire, and his perfectly-kept hair was unkempt, as if he had been running his fingers through it. This was most disconcerting; he had never seen the Vulcan as much as twitch an eyebrow before.

"Doctor, please! I am requesting your help!" Spock could feel his control slipping away, his breath coming in short, desperate pants; his heart feeling as though it was attempting to escape his chest. Blood supply to his brain was short, and he could feel an increasing level of panic coursing through his veins.

"Woah, steady there. Sounds like you're having a panic attack, Spock. Now, focus on me, just my voice; got it?"

"Y-yes Doctor."

"Now, what I want you to do is take deep breaths. Focus on calming yourself down, do you understand?"

"I... understand." Spock attempted to slow his breathing, but to no avail. He could feel control leaving him; blackness was crowding into the sides of his vision, blocking out McCoy, but his voice echoed within his mind.

"_Spock, for God's sake! Somebody help me carry him...!_"

A long hiss, then... nothing.

**X**

_Beep. _

_Beeeeeep._

"Captain! Sickbay calling sir!" Chekhov shouted urgently

"Yes, yes; hang on." Kirk's tone was unusually abrupt.

"Yup, this is Kirk; what happened now, Bones? This better not be another one of your tricks to getting me for my checkup-"

"_Shut the hell up, Kirk. It's Spock._"

Kirk suppressed a dry sob, worry filtering into him like poison. He dragged in a breath that felt like inhaling lead through a straw

"What's happened?" He demanded snappily, anger and worry laced in his tone.

"_Just get down here, NOW!_" Bones' eyes were wild. The connection cut off.

Silence echoed around the cabin. Kirk glanced around at his crew. Chekhov and Sulu both sported looks of equal shock and confusion, their jaws hanging open. Uhura looked wild, ready to kill. As he rose from his seat, she strode across to him.

"Captain, I wish to come with you." Her voice was firm, but shaking slightly.

He snapped his head around. "Uhura, no way am I letting you down there. You will not allow your feelings for him shadow his wellbeing or his judgement. Do I make myself absolutely clear? You. Stay. Here."  
On these final words, Kirk strode forward and stood immediately over Uhura, his features crackling angrily. Uncharacteristically, she turned white as a sheet and nodded silently, tears brimming her eyes.  
"U-Understood, Captain."

Kirk breathed out, suddenly aware of his outburst. All of the crew seemed to be avoiding his gaze.

"Sulu, you have the comms."

"A-aye, Captain."

It was with this, James Kirk turned and sprinted out of the room, as if every hound of hell was after him.

_Hold on, Spock. I'm coming..._

**X**

He could feel it before he opened his eyes. The bare sterility of the sickbay tickled the end of Spock's nose. With what felt like an inhuman amount of strength, he opened his eyes.

Wires trailed into his arms, infusing him with saline solution. A blood bag hung on the stand next to him, filled with his emerald-green blood. His head stung just above his temples. Grunting, he tried to reach, to feel, his injury but to no avail. He felt sapped of energy, but his emotions were now more acutely awake now than they had been for centuries. His Vulcan side seemed merely an echo compared to this. What a disgrace he was to his species.

Tears sprung immediately to his eyes, the edges of his vision blurring. He was emotionally compromised and he would never forgive himself for this; not now. Not. Ever. Hot tears ran down his cheeks, and he attempted to sit up. Hard hands pushed him down onto the bed, smoothing his sheets.

"Hey, shhh. Spock... are you okay?" Fingers delicately wiped the tears from his eyes. McCoy was there, looking down upon him, eyes filled with fear and concern.  
Spock had never felt more isolated in his life. He flinched away from the doctor's touch and tried once more to sit up. Again, McCoy pushed him back down, this time more forcefully.

He looked on terrified, as the large Vulcan crumpled completely into some of the most desperate sobbing he had ever heard. Whipping out a hypo needle, he attempted to inject Spock with the sedative, but an iron grip held onto his wrist, pulling him in.

"_Please, Doctor... h-help me. I need you to listen."_

"Dammit, what is wrong with you?! I thought you Vulcans could keep a lid on your emotions?" Bones exclaimed exasperatedly, pulling away from the Vulcan's grip, his previous worry translating into irritation.

"I-I am emotionally... compromised, Doctor- a-and I am o-only half Vulcan, as I keep r-reminding you." Spock salvaged a touch of composure, drawing in a large, shuddering breath.

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Out with it, for God's sake Spock. I'm a damn doctor, not a counsellor, as I keep reminding everyone," he finished bitterly."This better not be the beginning of your Pon Farr; you know full well I'm not qualified for dealing with that."

"It is not that, Doctor; it is not scheduled to happen for another six months and five days. Plus, the opening stages do not harbour symptoms such as this."

"Well, spit it out then." the doctor snapped impatiently, "I have other patients to attend to."

"I believe," Spock began, being careful to phrase his words correctly, "that I am beginning to have- unknown emotional stirrings towards our Captain." He finished in a single breath. McCoy saw him visibly relax from this, as if a massive weight has been lifted. He laughed in disbelief.

"Really? That's all?! You're in love with Jim?" The doctor was almost ready to kill Spock for all this stress. Well, at least he wasn't as bad as Kirk for getting himself killed; quite the opposite, in fact.

"If that is the way that you interpret it, then I believe so, yes." Spock immediately flushed a bright green; a mingle of shame at his out of character behaviour, and his cowardice.

"How long?" McCoy enquired. _Not that he needed to know, or even WANTED to know_!

"From the start of this five-year trip, Doctor. I have in the past managed to keep myself preoccupied with other duties around the ship, but now..." Spock hesitated, trying to find the right words. His mind wandered...

_Sweat dripped down his forehead as he lay on his bunk, thoughts of James Kirk fuelling his lust. _

_Spock started stroking himself, gently at first, but gradually increasing in pace, his body writhing in pleasure as he moaned out Jim's name, over and over._

_"Well, well." someone chuckled. "Enjoying yourself there Spock?" _

_James._

_A bright green flush saturated his skin, but he did not stop. Not now._

_"Are you scared, Captain Kirk?" he growled lustfully. This was not like him. He should stop._

_But..._

_"Oh, do continue Spock. You're getting to the best part. Now, touch yourself again, you dirty little Vulcan."_

_Spock closed his eyes and doubled his pace, the familiar knot curling in his lower abdomen. Without warning, he came, screaming James' name into the emptiness of his quarters._

_"Oh God, yes... yes... JAMES!" _

A sudden slap brought him back to reality, McCoy's face angry and flushed above his.

"HEY! I did NOT need to see that, Spock!

"See what, doctor?"

"You do realised that you just showed me what you were daydreaming about just then?" the doctor spat vehemently at Spock. "I do NOT need to know that you touch yourself while thinking of Jim..." his voice trailed off abruptly, and he looked towards the doorway, which a shadow had fallen across.

Spock looked up to see who exactly was there, and his heart jumped into his throat.

_James._

**Pheeeew, that took a lot of writing, and apologies if it's long! But finally a tiiny bit of smut at long last. :3**

**Dun-dun-duuuuuuunnnn! Jim finally knows about Spock's true feelings. How will he react?! Well, I think you all know already... or do you...?  
**

**Mwahahahaha. :3**

**As I said, I will attempt to update daily if I can, but it is near Christmas, so no hates if I don't, m'kay? :)  
**

**I hope you are enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it! **

**As always, reviews are welcomed. :3 **

**Byee! **


	3. Don't Leave Me Like This

**Hellooo!  
Right, firstly; sorry for the lack of update yesterday, I've been really busy! :( *puppy eyes***  
**I will attempt to write some chapters in advance to post up over Christmas, but no promises, as I'm helping out with family preparations, so I may be too busy to update. Hopefully you guys understand! :)**

**Secondly, a massive, massive THANK YOU to everyone who's followed/favourited/reviewed this story so far.  
You guys are a massive motivation for me writing this; I really want it to turn out the way I want it to,  
and it is so far, sooo fingers crossed! :) **

**Warning for this chapter: ANGSTY AND EMOTIONAL from both of our guys. And warning for Jim's potty mouth. :3 **

**Also, FLASHBACKS in _italics_ which will contain spoilers from both the Star Trek films, but I will add stuff in myself to help the story flow better, so please don't hate. They will all also be from Spock's POV, just so you can see the internal struggle. :) **

**ENJOY! **

* * *

**_SPOCK'S POV:_**

_"The truth is, I'm gonna miss you" James said quietly as he looked up at me. It was just after he had been demoted to First Officer, and I had been commissioned aboard the USS Bradbury. I was doubtful that I would see him again after this, and the thought manifested itself into a physical ache which settled deep within my very soul, so it seemed._

_"With all my honesty, I will miss you too, Jim." _

_The words I so longed to say constricted my throat, my airways. Centering myself, I took a deep breath ready to say it. I could not understand why this was so difficult._

_An exasperated sigh._

_"See, this is your problem, Spock. You're one of the closest people to me, and someone I'd trust damn near anything with, ya know that? But one thing that frustrates me is your seeming inability to reciprocate anything to me. Anyway, I'll see ya around, I guess." _

_Turning on his heel, he turned and walked away into the conference room. I let out a long, shuddering sigh, just about holding back the tears that were burning my eyes and threatening to roll down my cheeks. _

_Blinking hard and fast, I turned and followed him. This was neither the time nor place. _

* * *

Spock's blood turned to ice. Exactly how much had James heard?

From the look of complete confusion and shock on his face, Spock could tell that he had heard most, if not all of the conversation. Salvaging a touch of composure, he sank back onto the pillows, closed his eyes and attempted to enter a meditation state.

Of course, there was no chance of that when James T. Kirk was around. He was messing around with Spock's emotions, and he was unsure with what to do.

Spock was afraid.

"Pardon me, Bones. I'm not... _interrupting_ or anything am I?" Kirk spat. His confusion was slowly manifesting into anger; his features contorted into pure fury.

"Jim..." McCoy said warningly. "Don't end up saying anything you'll regret later."

Kirk snorted derisively. "Hah! Ohh, I plan not to regret later. Especially not for _him_, the pointy-eared bastard, who showed _no_ thanks when I risked my job, and all of our crew's lives to save him from that damn volcano. He wouldn't even be _here_ today, if it weren't for me! And there I was, when I woke up with him standing over me, looking as if he'd been been dragged there of his own accord, but I just _hoped_ that-"

"He was there every single day for those two weeks you were under." Bones replied quietly, with a voice of steel.

"He was the most human I had seen him in a while. I haven't seen him like that with _anyone _else on the crew before you, not even Uhura. You mean a hell of a lot to him, and maybe he doesn't show his gratitude, as he'd see it as some sort of weakness. Jesus, Jim; you really need to think before you speak sometimes. You could end up pushing away a lot of people that care for you, and..."

McCoy considered his next words carefully. "...Those that _love_ you, Jim." The doctor sighed. "Dammit. So much for patient confidentiality."

Spock tensed at this, trying once more to give nothing away. That was the entire truth, no matter how he looked at it.

He was, unequivocally and irrevocably in love with James Tiberius Kirk.

Kirk tensed. He began to quiver; whether it was from anger or what, McCoy didn't know.

"Shut the hell up Leonard. You have no_ idea _how he feels. Nobody does!" Kirk exploded. Gritting his teeth, he walked right up to McCoy, facing him off. The doctor could feel the heat of Kirk's breath on his skin, along with the slightest hint of bourbon.

"I said, do you understand me, _Doctor_?" Jim hissed dangerously. "Or else, I could quite easily find another Chief Medical Officer." When McCoy didn't respond, he twitched an eyebrow in savage amusement.

"Didn't think you'd go for that. Now, hurry up and finish here; I need _that_ back on the bridge. Regrettably, _it_ is good at what _it_ does."

Kirk turned on his heel sharply and stalked out of sickbay.

* * *

**_SPOCK'S POV:_**

_"Clear the room!" _

_Jim's voice echoed urgently across the conference room. All before the air itself exploded, and he was knocked flying, splinters of glass shredding through his skin, his uniform. _

_I flinched. Surely he couldn't have survived that. A feeling of foreboding crept through my veins, filling me with panic. _

_No. He wasn't the priority here. _

_I almost believed myself when I thought that. _

_Screams rent the air around me, breaking my train of thought. _

_Focus on getting everyone out. He can take perfectly good care of himself…_

* * *

_It was chaos. Complete and utter chaos. Half of the First Officers and Captains were dead. Jim had vanished. It was not the first time I had felt completely lost in what to do. _

_All too suddenly, I spotted Christopher Pike thrown onto the floor by the force of a laser-blast. _

_"Spock… help me." _

_But it was too late, as a green laser fired through the shattered window, hitting him squarely in the chest. _

_No._

_I would not allow this to happen. I had seen too many people die; my mother, my species. _

_No more._

_Pulling him with me, I set him down onto a sofa on the far side of the room. His breath was coming in short, sharp gasps, and there was pure terror in his eyes. _

_Almost instinctively, I placed my fingers delicately onto his psi-points, connecting immediately with his mind. His emotions hit me with the force of a freight train. Fear. Anger. Sadness. And so much loneliness. Everything I had felt when my planet was lost. _

_His breath slowed gradually until he became motionless, and the connection snapped. Bracing myself against the onslaught that mind-melds bring, I slowly opened my eyes and felt a presence behind me. _

_Jim._

_Falling to his knees, he pressed his fingers against Pike's throat, checking for a pulse which he knew he would not find. Tears began falling, thick and fast down his cheeks. I could feel the emotions emanating from his body, sobs shaking his shoulders, his deep shuddering breaths as he fought for control. These were somehow stronger to him than Pike's were, even without the mind-meld. I wasn't just fighting off his emotions; I was struggling to control my own as well._

_'John Harrison, you bastard. You utter, utter bastard. I will make it my mission in life to make you pay for this.'_

_I jolted in surprise as Jim's voice echoed clearly in my mind; this was impossible._

_I had somehow bonded with him. Guilt washed over me at the thought of Nyota. She obviously loved me, and I was trying my hardest to show her some affection in return. She was indeed a remarkable woman, brave and highly intelligent. However, I could not help but be drawn to Jim's reckless edge, and his boyish cockiness. _

_I enjoyed the danger; how dangerous he made me feel at times. _

_And yet… he had no idea._

_Gritting my teeth, I tried to keep my face neutral as Jim stood up and laid a hand on my shoulder. He opened his mouth, as if to say something. Apparently thinking better of it, he squeezed slightly, and left me with Pike's remains._

_This would not be the end. _

* * *

A few hours later…

"Alright, good job everyone. I think that's us done for the day. Kirk out."

Jim slumped down in his seat, a headache threatening his temples. Grinding his palms against his head, he stood up and went to leave. Not paying full attention, he collided with something hard and promptly stumbled. A hand caught him just in time, supporting his weight until he could regain his balance.

"Th-thanks, sorry abou-" His voice tailed off as he looked up at the person he had collided with.

Spock. Just fantastic.

He looked rough, with a bandage wrapped around his head, the wound still seeping with greenish blood. His hands shook with the effort of holding the dataPADD in his hands. However, his face seemed as impassive as always.

That bastard.

"Spock." He growled as he pushed past the Vulcan, towards the door.

"Captain, are you well?"

The words were barely out of Spock's mouth when Kirk's hand was fisted in his shirt and he was shoved against the wall. Chekhov let out a small squeal of terror at the look on his face.

"And why the fuck would you care? There is _nobody_ that I need right now, especially not you, _Vulcan_."

_And yet, I need you, more than you could ever imagine…_

"Kirk! Enough." McCoy's voice cut in firmly.

Snarling, Kirk released Spock, all but throwing him away, and sprinted angrily out of the bridge.

"Spock, you alright?"  
"Commander?"  
"Sir, are you okay?"

All their voices echoed around Spock's head, and his reply sounded rather strained.

"I-I am well. Thank you for your concern. If I may, I have a few things to attend to. I will take my leave."

As Spock turned away, McCoy spotted something that once again worried him immensely.

The tears streaming down Spock's cheeks.

* * *

**Wow, another long chapter, my apologies; these chapters will not be consistent in length - just for future reference. :)  
**

**Awww nooo, Spock! :'(**

**Do not worry, my lovelies; he won't be hurting for much longer. Jim is really an ass. :3**

**As always, reviews = happy writer = more Spirky goodness :D**

**A/N: apologies if people prefer a Spock that's more in control of his emotions; I prefer to imagine what would happen if he was slightly  
more inclined to the Human part of him. Also, the fact that he has a kinda obligation being part Vulcan as well to keep his emotions under control kinda intrigues me. What I'm trying to say is, I'm trying to let his character develop more freely, a bit like it was nearer the end of Into Darkness; I liked the emotional and pissed off Spock. Don't worry! I will still keep his Vulcan side in the story too, but just not in this chapter. :) **

**Byeeee! ^^ **


	4. This Is Who We Are

**Hai again gaiz :3 **

**Thank you SO MUCH for all the favourites and follows so far; I'm so glad you like this story :3**

**I will be updating my Christmas story soon ( s/9959195/1/Merry-Christmas-Mr-Spock) with an extra bonus chapter or three, if people are enjoying it! **

**WARNING: MAJOR ANGST TO FOLLOW, I apologise if any feels are broken in the process… **

**ENJOY!**

* * *

Spock strode down the corridor towards his quarters; tears still wet on his cheeks, but with burning akin to a fire in his heart. Poison spread through his body, chasing away any logical thought he contained within his being. Jim Kirk always took his breath away; it was not fair.

He fell. He fell for it every single damn time.

Despite his anger, Spock knew he would always pick up the pieces for Jim; always follow him to the edges of the universe.

Well, is that not what you do for one you love?

Dragging a sleeve across his face, Spock punched in the entry code to his quarters before promptly collapsing onto his bed, hugging the pillow.

The darkness was logical to him, and in some ways peaceful; however the lack of air was not. Huffing, he sat up straight, assembling his legs neatly into a meditation position. It had been a while since he had done this, yet it still came as naturally as sleep to the Vulcan…

* * *

"_Engineering to bridge. Mr Spock."_

"_Mr Scott?" _

"_You'd better get down here. Better hurry." Montgomery Scott's voice sounded dead, void of all emotion._

_My blood went cold. _

_No._

_Leaping out of the captain's chair, I sprinted out of the bridge. I could hear Nyota's muffled protests as I brushed past her. There was no time for this. _

_I tore down the winding corridors of the Enterprise, barely noticing the damage, nor the looks I received from officers and ensigns. Pure adrenaline was driving me, almost a palpable substance within me, drawing me ever onwards._

_I needed to get to Jim._

_Before I knew it, I'd reached Engineering. Scott was standing by a coolant tank, his face ashen, eyes bloodshot, with a bruise blossoming on his cheek._

_Wordlessly, he shook his head and gestured towards the glass door leading to the warp core chamber._

_No._

_Striding over to it, I was afraid to look; afraid to confirm the truth I already knew._

_Jim was slumped on the floor, back to me; his breaths coming in short, shallow rasps as the radiation filled his body. Damn you, Jim. You would not be taken from me; not now. _

"_Open it." I commanded, fear magnifying my voice as Scott cringed backwards._

"_The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked, sir." Scott looked completely lost, dejected and alone._

_Limbs shaking, I slowly crouched down until I was level with Jim's face. I pressed my hands against the glass, in the hope that somehow it would give way at my touch and that I could pull Jim into my arms._

_No such hope._

_With an inhuman amount of exertion, Jim turned himself around to face me. I almost recoiled at the sight. Blood was trickling out of his nose, his mouth and his ears as the radiation took him over. Clumps of his hair drifted out even as I watched, scattering on the floor. Almost tiredly, he reached up towards the control console, closing the door to the core behind him. His eyes fluttered open, searching for mine. As they locked on, I could once more feel his emotions; his pain, loneliness, anger and fear entwined with mine, magnified in my head. Clenching my teeth, I tried to keep it together as he gazed at me with those wonderful eyes. _

"_How's our ship?" His voice was barely a whisper; I could feel the physical effort this took him._

"_Out of danger," I replied, trying to keep my voice level._

"_Good." He almost smiled at this._

"_You saved the crew." With every word, I could feel my barriers crumbling, emotion flooding into my voice._

"_You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." Jim croaked, a hint of his old attitude creeping into his tone. I could feel his life slipping away with every laboured breath._

"_It is what you would have done." I whispered, not trusting my voice to break. The strain was unbearable now. I needed to tell him-_

_He was looking straight at me, seeing straight into my soul. _

"_And this… this is what you would have done. It was only logical" He sighed, slumping down slightly._

_Tears pooling in my eyes, I tried to keep my breathing even, feeling like I was trying to breathe lead through a straw. It seemed like his voice was coming towards me down a tunnel. I could still feel his emotions hitting me, but they were getting weaker all the time…_

_A sudden shuddering gasp emanated from Jim; red tinged tears trailing slowly down his cheeks._

"_I'm scared Spock," he whispered. "Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?"_

_Those words hit me like a freight train, and it was at that moment when I felt completely hopeless. I was meant to prevent this from ever happening, and yet here I was watching the only man I had ever loved die a terrible and painful death. Sobs began shaking my body, tears falling down my cheeks before I could control them. My breaths coming in short shuddering gasps, I managed to reply:_

"_I do not know. Right now, I am failing." Failing you, failing everyone, failing myself. I'm so sorry. _

_My heart was breaking. _

'_Spock.'_

_His voice echoed inside my head._

'_N-no! Can't die yet. I- need to tell-'_

"_I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." His voice seemed to strengthen; his eyes locked onto mine, unfocused._

"_Because you are my friend." That wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that I loved- _

'_Spock… please- I- I want to tell you…'_

_Slowly, he raised his hand, pressing it against the glass against where mine should be. Painstakingly, he shaped his fingers into…_

_A Vulcan salute. _

_The tears started flowing freely down my cheeks as I pressed my salute against the glass; taking with them all my heartbreak, the anger, the loneliness._

'_Jim… please- don't leave me. I need you. Please-'_

'_I can't die! Spock, I-'_

_His eyes met mine._

'_James! I love you.'_

_But it was too late. As quickly as the emotions had flooded into my head, they were gone, as swiftly as switching off a light. I was left alone, my hands pressed against the glass; tears streaming freely down my cheeks. _

_Don't go where I cannot follow, Jim. Please. _

_Shuddering, I balled my hands into fists. I crumpled, rage and sadness chasing away all signs of logic, coursing through my veins like acid._

_Fury overtook me. _

_You will die, Khan. Be it through my actions or another, I have no wish to see you alive again. _

_I screamed the name to the heavens, barely recognising my own voice._

"_KHAAAAAAAAN!"_

* * *

Spock snapped out of his meditation state, sweat pouring down his body. Hands shaking, he dialled Jim's communicator.

Please pick it up.

"What is it?" Jim's voice sounded exasperated.

"Jim." Spock's voice was shaking slightly. Annoyed, he cleared his throat and attempted to make his voice sound more neutral. "Are you alright?"

"And why would my wellbeing concern you, Spock?" Jim asked icily.

"I-I just… I went into my meditation state, and I recalled when you… died. My apologies, I thought it was real." Spock said, almost meekly.

"Sounds like that bang on the head took more out of you than I first thought." Jim said coolly. "You might need to go visit Bones if you're seeing this. But that is in the past now; I'm fine. And don't forget about that mission tomorrow. Regrettably, your combat skills are second to none, and I need someone who knows what they're doing. But do not think that this changes things between us. Goodbye."

Spock sighed, partly in frustration, partly in sadness about Jim's demeanour.

_See, he's alright_.

Dread filled Spock at the prospect of spending an entire day on the planetoid with Kirk the next day. He pushed it down exasperatedly.

All he needed to do was reign in his Human side, just for now. Any attempt to try to talk to Kirk would no doubt compromise what they were there to do; just a simple survey of the planet's surface.

No more. No less.

Sighing and slipping out of his uniform, Spock slid into bed.

He could not help wishing that Jim was there with him, holding him close and telling him everything would be alright.

* * *

**Sorry that this is a bit short, and mostly a flashback; I just wanted to get something out there for you guys :3**

**I have got the next chapter planned out… be prepared.  
I'll be posting the next (bonus!) chapter for my Christmas story possibly tomorrow or Monday :)  
**

**As always, reviews are loved and appreciated. :D  
**

**The inspiration for this chapter was these songs by Within Temptation (I LOOOVE THEM :3): watch?v=EEq4ipHJ6Mo, OR watch?v=Dy6MpsDPKts (the inspiration for the title) - run it to when the music starts, then layer it over. :3**

**Play either one over this video with the sound turned off: watch?v=JlhtNfTHZCk **

**I think it works fairly well with the situation and the pairing, but that's just me :3**

**Byeee!~**


	5. Message from the Author

**MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR**

**Hey guys!**

I know I haven't updated in a while, but there's recently been a death in my family, and my uni work's  
piling up a lot at the minute. I will try to update each story ASAP, but please don't pester me for an update;  
I am grateful for everyone who's favourited and followed my stories and me as an author. Therefore, I want to  
give you quality chapters in as short a time as possible, but during this particular time, there won't be as many updates  
as I'd maybe want. The chapters for my stories are in the works, so I'll attempt to update at least one of them in the next week or so. :) 

**Thank you so much for your ongoing support in my writing and stories; I hope to carry on doing stuff like this and writing  
stories that people like! :)**

My on-going Star Trek stories are here:

** s/9959195/1/Merry-Christmas-Mr-Spock - Merry Christmas, Mr Spock **

** s/9941507/1/I-Cherish-Thee-James-Kirk - I Cherish Thee, James Kirk **

**Please pop along and give them a read if you haven't already! I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them so far! :) **

**Byeee!~**


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